Soul Mate

Composed by Delicacy..... 11/29/07


We met but once as though by chance,
we didn't date, or did we dance.
We looked into each other's eyes
without deception or disguise.

A silent message passed between
your hungry heart was plainly seen.
You saw desire I could not hide,
you looked at me and saw inside.

How could a glance have said so much,
and cause a chill without a touch?
What was that chemistry that night,
that promised what we felt was right?

What satisfaction we'd have missed,
if we had not reached out and kissed.

I do not know if it was you,
or was it I who said, "Let's do."
But on that night our souls were bare
as surely as our bodies there.

Our bodies moved in harmony,
I couldn't tell the you from me.
And locked in passion as we were,
my sense of time began to blur.
I must have known you from before,
how else could you have reached my core?

In life perhaps before this one
what had we shared? What had we done?
With what I felt, emotions vast,
I must have loved you in the past.

But now we go our separate ways,
to different lives throughout our days.
I keep you though within my dreams,
Eternal soul mate, so it seems.

While I’m Dreaming

Gravity and the movements
Of my distinction
Thoughts stable beyond
The Extinction
within the matrix
Seeing before the imaging
Vision focused 110%
No blinking
What was you thinking
I speak of what I see
The experience
Before the achievement
Forever comfortable
With who I am
My mind, body, and soul
My life, my conscience
My beliefs, my breathing
To cease the judgment
and critiquing
I stand taller
Than the average reaching
To touch the sky that I’m
Free in

While I’m Dreaming

His Blessings

Whisper my name
Listen because its different
the meaning behind
each syllable leaves me
Drifting
into your dimension
without contention
Belonging where you exist
is my hearts attention
and my minds direction
Endless
Relentless
as love's reflections
Welcomes

His Blessings

Zooicidal

Just another thoughtful creative attempt.

Caressing Your Mind Intimately

You are so vibrant
and beautiful
You make me dream
about white doves
flying overhead
and harpsicord music
b sharp C, A flat
The sounds of love
You are the reason
I regard you as my
wife to be
Like my dream
it's plain to see
the picture drawn
with poetry
Hopelessly
Aimlessly
I franchise my approach
Painstakinly
Confidently
as I move next to you
Next to me
Sweaty palms
nah......
Just sweaty thoughts
of you sensually
I want to touch your soul
before

Caressing Your Mind Intimately

I Still - The Remiz

The Part 2 of I Still

I Still

You be the judge, but not the executioner.

Keeping You Next To Me

Sleeping within your evening
Special the sheets made me feel
Right at home comfortable
and no longer alone
appreciative of the texture
of your flesh
my mind is now taken
away by the opportunity
to drift inside of your sensation
shaking body to body
chemistry displaying
muscles inflating
sensually relating
warm blooded uncovered
as I thirst more for your stimulation
while the candle
and light aroma are
sexually contemplating
and accomplishing

Keeping You Next To Me

Freestyling 92

You see I do
I don't try
I gather clues
to smile
so never ask me why
that to me
is beyond retarded
see what you started
day and night over departed
emotionally guided
heat seeking my target

No Home Cooking

Verse 1)

Been there
Cop’d that

Sold weed
Then crack

2 4 5’s Red tops
Followed by Black

Chop Chop
Tap tap

The mirror was
Used for this then that

Reflections of a man stacked
Dollar bill White lines I packed

Two days later
I’m tapped

Re’upd
to free up
another pack of that
“Who’s the Mack”

1 Thou 2 Thou
3 Thou Became Wow

All in one week
no smile
No eye contact no pound

Just that burna
That would air ya out

Stepping before looking
Will get you

Air’d tha fuck out
in Brooklyn

no wake no funeral
no home cooking

told you before
how I do shit

all night long with

- No Home Cooking -

(Verse 2)

Now that my money’s right
I need to get that illah

Killah chick that will fillah
A pair of Von Doch jeans
And treat my Diddick like a Milla

Cuz I’m Genuine
Do the math

That realla niggah
From the street no gorilla

Gonna keep me from my triggah
or my girl like Reggie Miller

I will Knicka ur Bocka
Detatch your Door Knocka

then black and blue you
quick on that Blocka Blocka

-TO BE CONTINUED-

My Next Hustle

Everytime it seems
I got a hold on things
Choices many Choices
attack my now
making me believe
in the ability to achieve
the concept to ease
the strain
off of my chest muscles
allowing my heart
to be its best muscles
as I address the stress
of this next struggle
that I will use as

My Next Hustle

The Oral Caress

Composed by Delicacy.....11/14/07

Cradled between your tender thighs
I lift you to my mouth.
The abundance of your wetness
greets me and my mouth overflows with your warm essence.

Your sweet taste is on my tongue
and your fragrance delights my senses.
No gentle lick this visit.
No bashful cautious approach
For I wish to consume you.

Push against my hungry mouth
As the tip of my tongue
slides up the slippery furrow
that welcomes me between rows of delicate pink petals.
Thrust against my generous tongue.

Show me the power of your desire
for my oral caress.
My exploring tongue lifts the hood
and finds your smooth firm pearl.
You squeal in that unique way,
signaling that I have found your special spot.
I harden in response.

My jaws protests what my open mouth provides
but I am unrelenting in my gift,
intent only on your fulfillment.
I feel your body tense,
and you are quiet now...
Concentrating... bearing down.
Soon now my love,
ecstasy approaches.

You push hard and fast against my tongue,
shameless in using me
and I so willingly comply until you cry out...
and in your satisfaction,
I will find mine,
But mine will be the greater.

11/14/2007 8:13 AM

TO BE CONTINUED

You see its like
the last time I thought
I was in love
I was more or less in a situation
constantly contemplating
a way out of my fucked up situation
I thought her love was real
you know the I love you too's
the you are my boo
the typical shit
she has already shown the next dude
the after, the before, and the now,
how the hell am I suppose to smile
at a chick that's all about
what she can get for a little while
later for that shit
and remember I thought
it was all about love
unconditional
instead it was about
the love
material
the prize in the box of cereal
lost in the meaning the purpose
I see why I can't achieve those
that are always nervous
the substance abusers
the intellectually working for the money losers
the I'm hot one minute I'm not confusers
Damn!
I thought this was about love
a masterpiece that would
allow me to exist above
an impossible feat to achieve
when selfishness fits
tighter on my heart than a glove

TO BE CONTINUED

They Called Me Charles Da'God

The Prince of Air was taking his toll... with the kind of love to be sold
The village moral, as a whole, was low.. religious leaders - losing control
Eyes were dry and shut - closed... For many cried their lids swole
Cause Both Young and Old were overly exposed
To the dangling & decomposed Infant bodies dipped in mold
Seemingly stripped to bones and Left alone.. for families to find
Returning home
Prayers were made by the lost souls.. after murder left thier hearts cold
Near the bon-fire's pole.. their desires turned stone
Minds no longer roam.. but all thoughts were in one zone
Strategizing for Equalizing on those in the Marsh Lands
The kill the same clan.. that brought death on the harsh sands
Was now the precise plan of everyone with a knife-in-hand
Now taking the speakers stand - was Ahkmel.. "The Wise Man"
"They must all pay the price... in equal amounts of their life!!" - he said
"Let Evil Denounce in our sights.. as angels give count to our strife"
We are the righteous men who've lost their light..
Amidst the blood - in which we fight
This is for love and equal rights... because we're men and no longer mice
So may our Lord guide our strikes.. at every enemy we slice
For we MUST counterstrike!! Not Tomorrow, but TONIGHT!!!!
I watched them get hype.. as I relaxed and began to write...
Scribbling - with pad and pen.. Envisioning the marching men
I See"the whole gruesome end" before the first blow decends
But I won't let the story bend.. so be patient my restless friends...

There is there and here is Here

On September 5th I made my dream then I made a wish and 2 hours later I became a resident of Miami Beach, Florida 33149. What the Skeet.

My Love’s Dependence

My lust
Estranged immediate
The thoughts about her considerate
To what I need
Before the gift
Secure no longer the secret
I shared with God
The permanent
Equation no longer discontent
Because of my 2 cents
I was blessed once again
With an angel
Who was heaven sent
Leaving me stuck for life
No cement
In her mind now
I pray that I’m a resident
And this is what I desire
To circumvent
All of the pain from in my chest
Just so I can reach my destiny
With her in confidence
Like this poem
I made up to represent
The drive I have to reach her
Before the accomplishment
And her voice
That became a compliment
I don’t believe that
She is now
who I am walking with
Going to lunch just to sit
Across from such a beauty
Her parents
Made the world special with
I want to cry
To experience
Falling in love again
Which would be so relevant
To finding my feelings content
With her smile and attention
Similar to

My Love’s Dependence

Written by AHKMEL PHAROD – 08/24/07

All of His Knowledge Makes Everyone Listen to a Prophet of Higher Authority Righteously Orating Divinity

Equating to Universal Wisdom Born

We Are One

Eyes open I feel love
from you today my baby
I just want to become forever
you someday if not now
please believe my smile
and its child
kidnapping my frown
let me welcome
appreciation inside
so it can take us
for a ride
mental the mind restraining me
protecting me
strengthening who I am
so I can continue to express
how much I love you
take my hand
fun you will enjoy us
as it is only meant to be
Thy's will
done connected no fear no threat
because baby

We Are One

My Train and Its Path

On the train I sat
pen pad my place
I'm safe what a match
light day sun looking in
out of the window
I glance just to catch
one ray so with it
I can attach
my mind my body my convenience
like a patch
AHKMEL PHAROD
does the math and impacts
where Charles Coleman Kearse
speaks gentle and outlast's
the unspoken the negative
the confused and the mad
accomplishing my goals
so understand the before
you misunderstand and judge

My Train and Its Path

Freestyling 91

Freestyling 90

All odds against me
slowly making the world sleepy
acting like you don't need me
let me speak freely
before easy
line by line
extra wet get the squeegy
believe me
choice not selectively sleazy
sharp like cheddar
far from cheesy
out of my solar
you need to leave me
the fuck alone
before your neck becomes breezy
thought I was your dog
trying to tease me
I don't bite I mawl
because I'm Grimmy and Greedy

Freestlying 89 - This Shit

Yo! Yo! Yo!
Look at all these
Fake Flannegan Niggaz
Broke throat carrying Niggaz
I'm about to get the Dum Dums
with the empty chest cavity representations
affiliated with all the
sell your soul to Jesus hypocritiums
what you worth is how
homeless bums eat crumbs
from out the garbage
in the slums
so all you need to know about this
is that you exist in

This Shit

The Innocence of My Smile Saved You

Remove yourself from my mood
because my intellect will not
you see my degrees of seperation
equates to the only reason
there is a reason
Shhh! Listen to the
softness of how the letters
connect to form a loving bond
between penmanship and expressions
that are heart felt
using my dedication
to secure the formations
of sensual communication
this in what I do is really about love
where only love can love love
deeper than love
can pain love
remember my love
and how it embraced you
how it in the beginning claimed you
before it chased you
do you remember how my touch
almost shamed you until

The Innocence of My Smile Saved You

Share It

Similar to the first time
I appeared before an audience
to share my love for you so defined
I remember talking about heaven
line by line
processing within each pause
how you are too fine
you see with this poem here
I will keep you
after I reach you
only hoping to teach you
about from the beginning
my only plans
were to breach you
get inside of you
to exist be gentle and kind
to you
your mind, body, soul, and spirit
I live now to with me have you

Share It

I Long To

Even at times like this
I find myself dreaming
the unforgettable
soaring above clouds
chasing memories of you
within each star in the sky
twinkle twinkle
I've wished upon you
happy forever unconditionally
it will only be you
I will respond to
smiles hugs soft kisses
and gentle words from my mouth
along with me shall bond you
this is here everyday without
keeping count or record
of my love continuing to show you
however for your love
promising to keep forever
I Long To

Freestyling 88 - Cutting My Loses

Peep the lime
not for the Corona this time
my blinding light is so refined
get it
am I gonna have to remind
you about how I did it
so exsquisite a lil different
to be specific
check out how I am spitting up
temparature at 98.6
got you thinking I'm sick
word
for real I am wicked
like giving a chick
8.5 inches no digits
after the first sentence
would you be mines
because I love you for instance
as I am one to appear
then disappear in an instant
its hard to keep up isn't it
AHKMEL PHAROD formerly
LLord Trife wait a minute
and I'll disintroduce your interest
with a deliverance so explicit
times up for all you fake niggas
and fake bitches
my mind backwards is what I hit with
simplistic not caring about shit
including your existance
or you being cautious
I spit up that sick shit
call me nautious
before I start

Cutting My Loses

Sick

Sick With It

Sick With It

Freestyling 87

The realness of my
wait....
I'm not trying to go there right now
too many stupid muthaphuckaz
asking me how
Like Michael Jordan
back in the day I WOW'd
soared above fake Jakes
lamping on fake clouds
Haters trying to pull me down
get laid the fuck out
mouthpiece on the ground
for running off
before summing up pound for pound
I crush then astound
I bust a rhyme old school
Charlie Brown but I'm no clown
I smile then counter
clockwise your frown
I'm street like lost and found
been dirty been underground
don't let the suit fool you
part of my hustle round 4 round
no contest point deducting your lounge
fast forwarding your rewound
stopping then ejecting
tossing your flossing
to the left hand
one steeringwheel right throwin
cuz your shit was garbage
a fact you were already knowing

I'm Lost Without You

How Can I Ease Da Pain

They Call Me Mister Lover Man

Feel Da Fya

Freestyling 86 - That Country Shit

Hot just to start off
couches with plastic
how can I get up
when I can't off
some body pass me an eclipse
because I'm starting to smell
like a chick
skin frying like chicken
smog alerts
all day every day
cough after cough
sweat looking like it's
running back up north
it aint this hot in New York
Africa Africa
No Safari
I think I am lost
Sunrays left jabbing my frost
mentality no longer frozen
it's hot as shit down here
it's hot like carribean atmosphere's
island temperature no water
somebody pass me
a portable air conditioner
a rainshower shadow - for real

Freestyling 85

The way around my invisible
is non-existent
thinking cap fitted
just right for persistence
too smooth too gifted
too fortunate too consistent
you fail you listen
because you couldn't see my position
now hows that for an entrance
introduction Ed McMahon
couldn't get with
here's Trigga Trife
acting without the action
breaking camera's putting out lights
a menace to your civil rights
consciously analyzed to psyche
all these dicks picking up mics

Freestyling 84

360 Degrees my roof
hotter than 110% proof
dark liquor type nigga
tall handsome plus smooth
with my pedal to the metal
fast and furious with the lyrical
I can't lose
Like ganstas wearing derby's
tough with mine when I crash you
fuel tank like my think tank
always full
Supercharged plus powerful
rack and pinion in my walk
Invincible
190 miles an hour
is what I'm giving you
Clocking me and my style and shit

Freestyling 83

All must rise to fall
like walking backwards to crawl
energies beneath my gravities
something that can not be explored
truth be heard echoing down halls
solidifying my mental within
your hardcore if your hardcore
don't front on me
because I've seen this before
the DeJaVous
the who are yous
the being adored then ignored
which is all good
like a 20 story building
with no floors
a charity or foundation
with no cause
a car note on a car
with no doors
seriousness I bring
like chemical wars or
Brooklyn Zoo Tours

So Tremendous

Carrying the Love
Harmonious
Already made the song to this
Melodious
Did it like it was nothing
Cordless
Bitten by the touch of my voice
Poisonous
Sitting there distracted
just a little
Cautious
As in the mind
Focused
See I knew that once
I maximized my potential
you would be
Glorious
Standing for every reason
Still - in the same position
to compose my expressions
where now more listen,
So I ask
What truly is it
about me and the way I did it
So slow, so careful
So respectful

So Tremendous

Holding It Down - Holding It Down

We check you check
my squad break necks
we live you hide
rushing areas then cashing
bounced checks
Ahight do you feel
the speed of my thoughts
I'm about to strike you with next
that Franklin Avenue Shit
too complex
playground up in your face
no curfew about to catch rek
hitting niggas fast quick
domino effect
East New York, Crown Heights represent
no tech
spit in your face
throw up you hands 52 Jammies received
protect your neck
double G train iron horse connect
Bed Stuy survive my life is in check
no need to wild out bark or get upset
just get fed remark up then attack
New York you jet
fast quick on that permanent
combination left right left
automatic I wish a nigga....man
scars I have them, cards I have them
database query your sector
for bitch niggas ready to bag em
no zipper
sipped cappuccino
with Jack the Ripper
then moved in with two bitches
and a white boy named Jack Tripper
now you can see on your screen
how I don't be messing around
While I am on my grind

Holding It Down - Holding It Down

Freestyling 82 - Take it Personal

I'm feeling this old shit right here
Red ink more than ready to appear
all rough backing it up so what's up
with all the tension in the air
too much bitch nigga position
better stay clear of my atmosphere
Man - no need to warn
Mc's best prepare
tonsils on flare
breath more flammable
then 110% proof liquor all year
can't be moved non-sentimental
don't show tears
to busy putting fear
in hearts attacking
no mercy cuz I don't care
for death will come if you dear
my defense to blitz
quick Chicago Bear
from the Brook knuckling niggas
down from the rear
didn't ask for any company
so get dafuck outta here
before I start exposing secrets
like Vicky's underwear
technical fool's are shared
with thug's who stare
scheming on test tube Mc's
Rhyming about the ice they wear

Freestyling 81

What up God
Blowing shit to smitherines
aint so hard God
it's got to be me God
the analytical born God
Got dogs chasing
their own tails God
abnormal the gospel
of AHKMEL PHAROD God
LLord Trife still repping
the Brooklyn Backyards God
money earning money spending
like I'm married to the Mob God
what's all this talk about
Brown Bags
Yall Niggaz get the wooden rod God

Universe's Romance

Hemisphere in my world
Atmosphere in my world
Galaxies I'll never see
Why...
Don't I exist in the world
along with these
space will you ever welcome me
as the earth enslaves me
with a pull known as gravity
How do I escape
How do I become free
to spread my arms
unconsciously will there ever
be an opportunity for the chance
to be introduced to a star
so that I can dance within

Universe's Romance

Freestyling 80

Twenty six times one
we multiply just for fun
undercover MC's
waiting to get put onto
excalibir with the
dragon in the dungeon
microphone still cordless
thought it wasn't
to much time in my business cousin
Red Beret wearing
bloody hands two thou
making it happen Captain
grabbing flashes with too many smiles
and no action
snooze you lose plain and simple
without the laughing

Freestyling 79

Many lives remembered
many a time we dismembered
fake crooks with hard looks
colder than December
fur standing - back of my neck
don't get me angered
Wolverine status lyrics
sharper than titanium Wu Bangas
up that rectum goes the hanger
Oh Shit!
Feel this NY Knick
eating more fish than
the Boston Strangler
God blessed me to thank ya
then shank ya so Fuck You
cuz I will out rank ya
before I hang ya or gank ya
no option to retreat
cuz you dissappeared
after I blanked ya
Abrams throught the projects
check my strength on the mic
with more power than any tanker

Freestyling 78

No more talk
lets get our clothes dirty
or walk
5 paces
then turn and shoot
who's the livest
the ruff rugged
shadow invisible
means it's hard to find me
don't hide just glide
right pass the simple
so to catch me conversating
very unlikely
come try me
understand that I don't care
my muthaphuk is still here
with nothing to fear
troopn the danger zone
white chalk yellow tape
dogs better beware
lookin into eyes
to see who's really scared
Yo! What the Deal
Bust your guns in the air
then count to ten
listen for the Five-O
then point and shoot
take the loot
if you bad nigga
afraid punk niggas
stay pulling triggaz
without a purpose
sweaty palms tingly spinal cords
Yo! This bitch ass is mad nervous
can't contain your actions
can't hold your tongue
loose lips in Brooklyn get hung
that's my word herb
lynched by my 200th verb
out of control analyze
my role as a criminal
and not a model
so you can't follow

Rush Hour Traffic

Is the time for one to stand still
seconds adding up to minutes
an infinite count
Hold up
without the time out
I'm not finished
LLord Trigga Trife
Never needing to replenish
I was born strong
Allergic to spinach
you don't get it
I drink to exist
blood liquids
fuck the transfusion
and the death sentence
lyrical fugitive on the run
from the bullshit
you know what I'm saying
too many mimics plus gimics
temperature -300 degrees Celcius
so bring your ice picks
before you call next
unprepared for this Brooklyn

Rush Hour Traffic

Freestyling 77

Counted my blessings twice
format twisted like
my mic LLord Trigga Trife
Sleeping on Ice
just to cool off
cuz I'm loaded plus
hotta than dice
lyrics precise to entice
Ten rappaz wives
without the disquise
don't need no soft music
to realize I'm better than nice
without the sacrifice
rhyme after rhyme
I keeps your thoughts in line
jumping from one to the next
like lice
better yet you best to
get a check up
before you get wrecked up
by Trigga Trife
putting out your lights
for trying to put up a fight

To Spread Love Forever

Weak
Can't move
Body jumping
Blood confused
Time standing
Still feeling
the throbbing
I remember
when I use to
Make love
before taking love
I remember when I
Wrote a poem everyday
For every pair of lips
I kissed
I'm up to about 1,200 now
WOW!
This can not be
where are my wings
My arrows

To Spread Love Forever

Until the Sensation Takes Over

Lights on for the touch
my shadow has the day off tonight
because I need to feel
every second of you that much
Listen, my mood stems
from your scent of paradise
inhaled twice leaving me floating
I can't wait now to taste
what makes you chase erotica
like the symbol 69 of my zodiac
Cancerian to be exact
now straighten out your mind
so I can posture your back
with my hands as you lay intimately intact
woman breathe please
exhale so I can ease
my deepest feelings inside of you
over and over

Until The Sensation Takes Over

Fall Behind

How can this be?
When I still can not see
What you dream
Beyond belief

How can I desire
Something I can't acquire
Even though your fire
Makes my heart perspire

How can a soul
Be true to the folds
Of your arms while alone
Thinking about loving me at home

How can your heart
Be less then a heart
If used like a dart
To penetrate my art

How can your thoughts escape?
If they have yet a place
To take the lead and embrace
The smiles already put on my face

So soul that is mine
And thoughts that are defined
Along with a heart that's blind
Be sure to keep in step
So you won’t

Fall Behind

Empowering People - 1998

Maybe this can help your outlook out side of society for a minute..
Charles C. Kearse, co.Ph.D. / Empowering People

This essay is on Feeling

The spring and summer season is here and it is a time that elicits a great deal of feeling, whether it is being resigned to another "command performance," excited about sharing it with friends and loved-ones, or sad about not having someone with whom to connect that way.

What does it mean to feel? From the first moments of our lives, we all want. We want to be held, touched, burped, loved, to rest, get warm, lose weight, make money, scratch an itch, etc. It matters to us whether or not we accomplish what we want and it is this mattering which is the basis of feeling: To feel is to spontaneously evaluate how successfully we are fulfilling our wants, satisfying our appetites. Sometimes we are thematically aware of (that is, are focused on, "conscious" of) how we're affected and sometimes we are not. What we desire, the degree to which we desire it and how we are affected by our perceived successes and failures always arise from the fabric of our entire life history and are inseparable from it.

Feeling is our constant companion. We continuously evaluate—most often, without thinking about it—how things are going for us. Yet many people believe that they feel only sometimes. Such people tend to be aware of how they feel only when intensely affected. Although often subtly affected, they are out of touch with, "blind" to the many shades of gray between their intense pleasure and intense distress: As a result, they rob themselves of the greater richness, joy and sense of adequacy and worth that would grace their lives given a more intimate awareness of their affected selves.

Contrary to the popular view—perpetuated explicitly or implicitly in numerous self-help books—we do not will, do not choose how we feel. (If we really could choose how to feel, all of us would surely have already chosen to be happy, which, by any stretch of the imagination, is not the case.) We are free only to discover how we feel as it is made manifest to us through our affected bodies (e.g., while waiting for an interview for a job which I really want but for which I am unprepared, I discover that I am anxious through my sweaty palms and rapidly beating heart.) We are who we feel, no matter how we attempt to stop or deny it, and cannot be otherwise.

Those who believe that they choose how they feel view "feelings" as nouns, as things that they have. For them, if feelings are things they have, then it follows that when they are unpleasant feelings, they're things to be gotten rid of. But this is impossible, since to feel is actually a verb, a way of being, not a noun:

To feel is to be affected, an un-choosable way of being.

One result of viewing feeling as a thing believes that a feeling is something ethereal, unsubstantial; that is, that we have neutral bodies through which we choose to experience, or not experience, intangible feeling. However, to feel is always visceral, incarnate; it always involves our whole selves. Our troubled bodies are the very means through which our distressed being becomes manifest (and, therefore, remediable); to subdue feeling is to subdue ourselves.

People often come into therapy confused by how they are feeling. They believe that their being distressed means that something is wrong with them, that in some way they are defective, inadequate. As a result, they search—often desperately—for some way to keep from feeling as they do. Since this effort is inevitably futile, it is self-defeating. It can provide short-lived relief, at best, but is more likely to lead, in a vicious cycle, to diminishing confidence about being able to gain lasting relief, and increasing fear and anxiety about failing.

If how we feel is an un-choosable fact of life, then how we feel can never be wrong (no more than blue eyes or blond hair can be wrong)—even though we have been blamed, shamed and threatened for feeling as we do (that is, for being who we are). And, if we are to achieve more abiding relief, increasing confidence and diminishing fear and anxiety, we must risk acknowledging/experiencing/expressing the way in which we are affected; we must dwell with, focus on, be present to, let in, even celebrate the ways in which we are affected.

Attending in this way to how we feel can be extremely valuable; it can instruct us about what we are trying to accomplish, how important it is to us and the extent of our success or failure. Consequently, it can help us discover how to minister to ourselves most effectively. So, rather than try to deny, ignore, distract ourselves from, or choke down how we feel (which, ultimately, must fail), it is in our best interest to live out, live through how we're affected, perhaps most especially when we are distressed.

Although we do not choose how we feel, we are not helpless; we can choose how—and how well—we will take care of our affected selves. For example, if we discover that we are anxious about the possibility of failing a course, we can hire a tutor, study longer, study with a friend, drop the course, take an incomplete, ask the teacher for help, and so on.

We use the verb 'to feel' in a number of distinctly different, yet related, ways:
1. We frequently use it to describe a conclusion we have drawn about someone else (e.g., "I feel that she is rude." The word "that" immediately following the word "feel" clearly shows that this is how it is being used.).
2. Sometimes, we use it to describe something someone else does to us (e.g., "I feel rejected"). Here, we are implying, instead of actually stating, how we feel ("I feel hurt," "I feel scared") when, for instance, someone rejects us.
3. We also use the word "feel" to indicate how we are affected, although we are actually stifling how we feel (e.g., "I feel angry," spoken through a clenched jaw). The clenched jaw says, "I'm so angry with you that I have to hold myself back; in reality, the clenched jaw conceals; it attempts to insinuate strong feeling to the other person while avoiding actually being as fully angry/hurt/scared as is true.
4. There are times when what we say we feel is dissonant with how we appear: Sometimes what we say we feel is contradicted by our appearance (e.g., "I feel angry," spoken with a smile); or, is accompanied by our appearing to be unaffected; at other times, we appear to feel a particular way, even while denying it.
Most of us don't realize that there is a great deal amiss in these situations: In all of them, we are both fleeing and pretending so as to keep from realizing, experiencing and expressing how and how much we are affected, as though we can get beyond our distresses through force of will.

All feeling occurs in relationship to someone else. Thus, our pretenses are also deceits. As a result, in misinforming or not informing others, we alienate ourselves from them, as well as make their journeys (and our own) more confusing and difficult.

We seem to believe that if we can keep from experiencing and expressing how we feel then we are finished with it. Unfortunately for us, whenever emotional expression is aborted (e.g., for fear of hurting someone or of being punished or abandoned), it continuously "strives" to be realized. As a result, it must be actively and concretely withheld (e.g., with a frozen smile, or held breath). Such holdings-back will continue endlessly, even for many decades or a whole lifetime, unless and until the interrupted "movement" is completed.

Choking things back exacts further costs which are directly proportional to the extent of one's withholding: Doing so is painful, consumes a great deal of "energy" and compels considerable attention, which are then no longer available for creating our lives. This renders us anxious, because we are moved to act at the same time that we see ourselves as neither having a right to act, nor being adequate to do so.

To be intensely affected is often described pejoratively: It is called childish, immature, weak, sissyish, an indication of inadequacy, a "breaking down," or being "out-of-control," "emotional," or "too sensitive." In fact, recognizing, acknowledging and honestly expressing how we are affected is human. It demonstrates strength and maturity, especially in a culture as anti- feeling as ours, which regards it as dangerous (when, in fact, only its suppression is harmful).

Feeling is reputed to be irrational, too. In reality, it is the most rational of experiences. For example, being sad, scared or anxious bespeaks failure or loss with regard to something or someone which one values: Being sad is a response to loss which has already occurred (e.g., of a hope, a friend or, even, a favorite sweater), while being scared is an anticipation of loss (e.g., my fear as I am falling and anticipate being harmed) and being anxious expresses anticipated loss of worth in another's eyes (e.g., when I hand in a hastily written report which 1 imagine may define me as inept in my boss' eyes). Conversely, being excited and joyful acknowledges success and desired gain (e.g., excitement expresses anticipated gain and joy is a realization of important and previously uncertain success).

These experiencings/expressings are fundamentally neither flights nor pretenses, neither immature nor irrational, neither excessive nor dangerous. Here, one's being affected is lived-through, lived-out, fully articulated (without reserve or self-abasement, which are strategies for magically fleeing from fearful possibilities). This is a true surrender to, and acceptance of the way things are. As such, it is a transcendent, arresting experience for participant and witness alike, which heals both.

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©1998 Charles C. Kearse Ph.D. • Empowering People